Tender Thoughts

Tender-Thoughts Version 2.0

2008-07-30T17:05:00.004-04:00

Tender-Thoughts.com 2.0 is coming shortly! Look for new thoughts (including videos and user-submitted thoughts) shortly!

Do you have a "tender thought" to share with the world? Send your thoughts to Mattisname@gmail.com and I'll post the best entries on the site!

- Matt

Married to his Job

2008-06-13T14:45:00.004-04:00

Everybody joked that my accountant was "married to his job." But nobody laughed when they saw his half-human, half-job mutant children.

Mike's Mind - Teaching

2008-05-30T17:50:00.003-04:00

You might think that a fun job would be teaching preschoolers. Well, it's probably not so fun when you get to the chapter entitled Death, War, Plagues and Famine in Sub-Saharan African Countries.

Good luck getting little Billy to take his nap now.

Old Ladies

2008-05-27T13:17:00.002-04:00

There's something about watching an old lady slip on a bunch of marbles and fall down a well that always makes me laugh.

Mike's Mind - Jedi Master

2008-05-22T11:19:00.002-04:00

In my training to become a Jedi Master, I found that I have the ability to move cars with the Power of the Force. It works great at four way stops. I simply wave my hand and the other cars move.

I have yet to master it outside of my own vehicle.

Stand-Up

2008-05-20T15:27:00.002-04:00

If you're applying for a job as a stand-up comedian, it's probably not a good idea to try to be funny. They probably get that a lot.

Doctors

2008-05-19T11:47:00.003-04:00

"Okay Doc, if you say this will make me better, then I'll try it!" Then, the doctor, standing behind his counter with his fancy cash register, would say "What are you talking about?! Sir, you're gonna have to buy something or leave the store."

I really hate doctors.

Mike's Mind - Chicken or the Egg

2008-05-16T12:46:00.001-04:00

When my nieces and nephews ask me, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" I always say, "Santa Claus isn't real!" They cry and cry, and I tell them, "Now don't ask Uncle Mike anymore stupid questions."

I'm going to be a great father.

Aliens

2008-05-15T13:11:00.001-04:00

If aliens ever do come to Earth, I bet a good joke would be to have everyone on the planet pretend they are dead. The aliens would probably try and share their technology or show us the meaning of life or something, but we would all just lay on the ground, still pretending to be dead.

Eventually, the aliens would get bored and leave. Then we'd all get up and have a good laugh about it.

Mike's Mind - Coke Bottles

2008-05-13T13:07:00.001-04:00

I found some old coke bottles in my father's garage, so I cut off the bottoms and made a pair of spectacles. Now, when people tell me my glasses look thicker than coke bottles, I reply "Same size, actually."

Dinosaurs

2008-05-12T13:04:00.002-04:00

I'm sure a common joke back in the Jurassic era would be when one dinosaur would cover a tar pit with a bunch of leaves. Another dinosaur would probably try and walk right over it, but he would fall through the leaves and get trapped in the molten tar. They would both have a nice laugh about it, or at least until the dinosaur sank all the way into the tar. Then it would be just the one dinosaur laughing.

Mike's Mind - Counterfeiting

2008-05-08T13:47:00.003-04:00

Counterfeiting money is easy. I just rip off a small piece of paper from my notebook and write "Money" on it. Most places won't except my college-ruled currency, but it works every time on the "special" girl at McDonald's. I'm loving it.

-Mike Marquardt

Guns

2008-05-07T13:01:00.004-04:00

People say guns are dangerous, but I think that's only true if you use a gun in a dangerous way. What if you used it as a paperweight or something? Then, one day you accidentally knocked it off your desk and the gun went off and shot someone.

Oh, I see. Still dangerous.

Little Jimmy

2008-05-06T13:14:00.003-04:00

One day, little Jimmy came home all sad because he had to build a bridge out of toothpicks for his science project. I told him not to worry about it, and that I'd take care of it for him. The next day, I showed it to him and he said "That's not a bridge at all; you just glued some elbow macaroni to a pop can..." Then he cried and cried.

Kids can be so ungrateful.

Mike's Mind - April Showers

2008-05-04T16:08:00.001-04:00

April showers bring may flowers. Mayflowers bring pilgrims. Pilgrims bring religious fanaticism, and prudish behavior to the culture of America.

Damn those April showers.

-Mike Marquardt

Old Man Johnson

2008-04-30T10:05:00.003-04:00

There was something strange about old man Johnson, but no one could put their finger on it. Maybe it was the way he sat on his porch whistling. Or perhaps it was his tendency to wear blue overalls. Or maybe it was the way he used to hunt squirrels with a fork attached to a long string. There was something funny about the way swung that fork around... no technique at all.

Mike's Mind - "Transformers"

2008-04-28T11:33:00.002-04:00

As a young boy, Transformers was one of my favorite TV shows. I wonder what happened to the series' spin-off, Transducers?

I guess the show was doomed from the opening theme: "Transducers --- devices, usually electrical, that convert one type of energy or physical attribute to
another for various purposes including measurement or information transfer. --- in disguise!"

-Mike Marquardt

Bedtime Stories

2008-04-25T09:46:00.002-04:00

I bet a good bedtime story is one about two men who decide to sail around the world looking for gold. As soon as they set sail, they begin arguing about the amount of food they took with them. They eventually get mad and don't talk to each other for the rest of the trip. Also, they never found any gold.

Music...

2008-04-24T12:56:00.003-04:00

If you think about it, music is simply an artistic form of auditory communication consisting of complex tones and pitches, held for various amounts of time.

Yeah, how does the music sound now?

Mike's Mind - "Security Envelopes"

2008-04-23T10:26:00.004-04:00

My box of envelopes has "security envelopes" written on on it. I don't see what is so secure about them. Just because they're blue on the inside they are supposed to hide my personal information? It could be the darkest shade of night, but it's still just paper.

That's why I keep all my envelopes secure with powdered sugar. One look at that white stuff and no one is touching my envelopes. Private, yet tasty.

-Mike Marquardt

The Jokes on You

2008-04-22T11:31:00.005-04:00

As a young child, one of my favorite practical jokes was to put thumbtacks in my friend's birthday cake batter. When he took that first bite, he would usually hold his throat and act like he was choking or something, but I knew he thought it was a pretty good joke.

If Life Was a Game

2008-04-21T14:17:00.004-04:00

If life was one big game of chess, then I would probably pretend like I didn't know how the Horse piece moved.

Then, while you weren't paying attention, I would "suddenly realize" how the Horse moved and put you in CHECKMATE! HA!

Mike's Mind - "Penny For Your Thoughts"

2008-04-20T15:29:00.005-04:00

I used to say "A penny for your thoughts." But with the rising price of gas, high interest rates and rising inflation, I think I might have to offer more of an incentive. Perhaps I could carry my acoustic bass on my back and say "A thought provoking song for your thoughts?"

It's a bit wordy and most people tell me I suck. But I don't really care for their thoughts.

-Mike Marquardt

Welcome Guest Author, Mike Marquardt!

2008-04-20T15:08:00.005-04:00

Thanks for the great response everyone! I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome guest author, Mike Marquardt to the site. Mike was recently fired from an Indonesian sweat shop (replaced by a 3 year old - ouch,) so I will be temporarily feeding Mike in exchange for his wisdom.

So without further ado, let's give a Tender Thought's welcome to Mike!

Practical Jokes

2008-04-17T12:46:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, people take jokes too far. For example, once, at a restaurant, my good friend Kevin thought it would be a funny prank to "loosen" the cap on the salt shaker. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I went to "lightly salt" my french fries. Come on Kevin, grow up. After that, I ran over his dog.