Mike's Mind - Teaching

You might think that a fun job would be teaching preschoolers. Well, it's probably not so fun when you get to the chapter entitled Death, War, Plagues and Famine in Sub-Saharan African Countries.

Good luck getting little Billy to take his nap now.

Old Ladies

There's something about watching an old lady slip on a bunch of marbles and fall down a well that always makes me laugh.

Mike's Mind - Jedi Master

In my training to become a Jedi Master, I found that I have the ability to move cars with the Power of the Force. It works great at four way stops. I simply wave my hand and the other cars move.

I have yet to master it outside of my own vehicle.

Stand-Up

If you're applying for a job as a stand-up comedian, it's probably not a good idea to try to be funny. They probably get that a lot.

Doctors

"Okay Doc, if you say this will make me better, then I'll try it!" Then, the doctor, standing behind his counter with his fancy cash register, would say "What are you talking about?! Sir, you're gonna have to buy something or leave the store."

I really hate doctors.

Mike's Mind - Chicken or the Egg

When my nieces and nephews ask me, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" I always say, "Santa Claus isn't real!" They cry and cry, and I tell them, "Now don't ask Uncle Mike anymore stupid questions."

I'm going to be a great father.

Aliens

If aliens ever do come to Earth, I bet a good joke would be to have everyone on the planet pretend they are dead. The aliens would probably try and share their technology or show us the meaning of life or something, but we would all just lay on the ground, still pretending to be dead.

Eventually, the aliens would get bored and leave. Then we'd all get up and have a good laugh about it.

Mike's Mind - Coke Bottles

I found some old coke bottles in my father's garage, so I cut off the bottoms and made a pair of spectacles. Now, when people tell me my glasses look thicker than coke bottles, I reply "Same size, actually."

Dinosaurs

I'm sure a common joke back in the Jurassic era would be when one dinosaur would cover a tar pit with a bunch of leaves. Another dinosaur would probably try and walk right over it, but he would fall through the leaves and get trapped in the molten tar. They would both have a nice laugh about it, or at least until the dinosaur sank all the way into the tar. Then it would be just the one dinosaur laughing.

Mike's Mind - Counterfeiting

Counterfeiting money is easy. I just rip off a small piece of paper from my notebook and write "Money" on it. Most places won't except my college-ruled currency, but it works every time on the "special" girl at McDonald's. I'm loving it.

-Mike Marquardt

Guns

People say guns are dangerous, but I think that's only true if you use a gun in a dangerous way. What if you used it as a paperweight or something? Then, one day you accidentally knocked it off your desk and the gun went off and shot someone.

Oh, I see. Still dangerous.

Little Jimmy

One day, little Jimmy came home all sad because he had to build a bridge out of toothpicks for his science project. I told him not to worry about it, and that I'd take care of it for him. The next day, I showed it to him and he said "That's not a bridge at all; you just glued some elbow macaroni to a pop can..." Then he cried and cried.

Kids can be so ungrateful.

Mike's Mind - April Showers

April showers bring may flowers. Mayflowers bring pilgrims. Pilgrims bring religious fanaticism, and prudish behavior to the culture of America.

Damn those April showers.

-Mike Marquardt