Old Man Johnson

There was something strange about old man Johnson, but no one could put their finger on it. Maybe it was the way he sat on his porch whistling. Or perhaps it was his tendency to wear blue overalls. Or maybe it was the way he used to hunt squirrels with a fork attached to a long string. There was something funny about the way swung that fork around... no technique at all.

Mike's Mind - "Transformers"

As a young boy, Transformers was one of my favorite TV shows. I wonder what happened to the series' spin-off, Transducers?

I guess the show was doomed from the opening theme: "Transducers --- devices, usually electrical, that convert one type of energy or physical attribute to
another for various purposes including measurement or information transfer. --- in disguise!"

-Mike Marquardt

Bedtime Stories

I bet a good bedtime story is one about two men who decide to sail around the world looking for gold. As soon as they set sail, they begin arguing about the amount of food they took with them. They eventually get mad and don't talk to each other for the rest of the trip. Also, they never found any gold.

Music...

If you think about it, music is simply an artistic form of auditory communication consisting of complex tones and pitches, held for various amounts of time.

Yeah, how does the music sound now?

Mike's Mind - "Security Envelopes"

My box of envelopes has "security envelopes" written on on it. I don't see what is so secure about them. Just because they're blue on the inside they are supposed to hide my personal information? It could be the darkest shade of night, but it's still just paper.

That's why I keep all my envelopes secure with powdered sugar. One look at that white stuff and no one is touching my envelopes. Private, yet tasty.

-Mike Marquardt

The Jokes on You

As a young child, one of my favorite practical jokes was to put thumbtacks in my friend's birthday cake batter. When he took that first bite, he would usually hold his throat and act like he was choking or something, but I knew he thought it was a pretty good joke.

If Life Was a Game

If life was one big game of chess, then I would probably pretend like I didn't know how the Horse piece moved.

Then, while you weren't paying attention, I would "suddenly realize" how the Horse moved and put you in CHECKMATE! HA!

Mike's Mind - "Penny For Your Thoughts"

I used to say "A penny for your thoughts." But with the rising price of gas, high interest rates and rising inflation, I think I might have to offer more of an incentive. Perhaps I could carry my acoustic bass on my back and say "A thought provoking song for your thoughts?"

It's a bit wordy and most people tell me I suck. But I don't really care for their thoughts.

-Mike Marquardt

Welcome Guest Author, Mike Marquardt!

Thanks for the great response everyone! I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome guest author, Mike Marquardt to the site. Mike was recently fired from an Indonesian sweat shop (replaced by a 3 year old - ouch,) so I will be temporarily feeding Mike in exchange for his wisdom.

So without further ado, let's give a Tender Thought's welcome to Mike!

Practical Jokes

Sometimes, people take jokes too far. For example, once, at a restaurant, my good friend Kevin thought it would be a funny prank to "loosen" the cap on the salt shaker. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I went to "lightly salt" my french fries. Come on Kevin, grow up. After that, I ran over his dog.

Peace on Earth

I wish we could find a way to end all of the suffering in the world. Wait, I have an idea! What if you cut a piece of paper into a square, then you fold the top half over to meet the bottom half. Next you take one corner and... wait, scratch that. I thought I had it, but that's just instructions for an Origami Swan.

True Love

If there's one thing that scares me, it's dying without finding true love.

If there's two things that scare me, it's huge squids that somehow learn to walk on land... and dying without finding true love.

The Olympics

I bet that every time there's a race in the Olympics, there is always one man who "lets the other guy win."

I really like that guy.

Puppets

A puppet is a dangerous thing. Especially when there is a knife under the puppet.

Also, the puppet is ugly.

Magic

I bet a good magic trick would be to put a woman in a box, close the box and light it on fire. Then, when the smoke clears, there's a tiger holding the woman. Wow, how'd he do that!?!?

Robots...

If robots do ultimately gain self-recognition and enslave the human race, I think it's safe to say that the economy would slide. Also, the robot market would rise.

Grandma

Grandma always made the best cookies. She only made the real little ones and they were always different colors. I don't know how she made them or how she got the little "m"s on every one. I thought the secret ingredient was love, but she just told me to shut up.

Apples

I bet the guy that invented the apple would be turning over in his grave if he knew how popular it is these days.

Yeehaw!

You know what would be really sweet? A cowboy riding on a horse. But instead of four legs, the horse had treads, like a tank.

Wow, what will they think of next.

Babies...

You know what I really hate? When a baby starts screaming and crying for no reason. And then I scream and cry back at it. And it just keeps on crying and screaming, and so do I. Finally, I have to just walk away.

You've won this round little baby.

Voice of God

I once heard the voice of God while I was sitting in my backyard one day. He said "Vrooooooom," "Vroooooooooom." Then my neighbor walked by with his lawnmower again. I tried to get him to shut it off, but when he did, it was too late... the voice was gone.

Mysterious Universe

I wonder if we'll ever fully understand the vast, mysterious void in space known as the "universe." If so, it would probably take a computer the size of a football field. Also, you could play blackjack on the computer.