Pet Rock

Everyone always laughed when I told them about my pet rock, Spot.

Nobody ever laughed when I beat Spot with my bare hands, until my knuckles bled (for soiling the carpet.)

Imagination

The imagination can be a useful tool. For instance, if you ever run out of money, you could simply "imagine" that you are a millionaire. Sure, people would tell you that your "imaginary" money is no good. But you could just laugh and imagine they're all talking dogs.

Married to his Job

Everybody joked that my accountant was "married to his job." But nobody laughed when they saw his half-human, half-job mutant children.

Sketch Artist

If you're a police sketch artist, I bet a good joke is when you draw a caricature of the "alleged perpetrator" described to you. Stick figures are funny too, but let's be realistic, it could be a serious crime.

Goldfish

Young children can be easily fooled. For example, my little brother always wanted a pet goldfish. So, instead of a "real" goldfish, I thought I'd pour some Goldfish crackers into a bowl of water and give it to him.

In the end, I got lazy and just bought him a real goldfish.

Mike's Mind - God's Grade

I'd like to think that when we die, God will grade us on our life. If so, I would probably get a D-, largely due to my frequent jaywalking and outstanding parking tickets.

Oh, also aggravated assault, racketeering, burglary and treason.

Tornados

If you think about it, a tornado is simply a violent destructive whirling wind accompanied by a funnel-shaped cloud that progresses in a narrow path over the land.

Not so scary now, is it?

Mike's Mind - Teaching

You might think that a fun job would be teaching preschoolers. Well, it's probably not so fun when you get to the chapter entitled Death, War, Plagues and Famine in Sub-Saharan African Countries.

Good luck getting little Billy to take his nap now.

Remote Controls

I bet that back in the Stone Age, before "plastic" and "batteries," early remote controls were simply long sticks with screws on the end to hit the buttons.

Old Ladies

There's something about watching an old lady slip on a bunch of marbles and fall down a well that always makes me laugh.

Technology

To me, there's nothing worse than robots. Deadly robots, with huge metal claws and razor sharp robot teeth. And maybe a gun in one of its gigantic robot claws.

Technology has gone too far.

Mike's Mind - Jedi Master

In my training to become a Jedi Master, I found that I have the ability to move cars with the Power of the Force. It works great at four way stops. I simply wave my hand and the other cars move.

I have yet to master it outside of my own vehicle.

Stand-Up

If you're applying for a job as a stand-up comedian, it's probably not a good idea to try to be funny. They probably get that a lot.

Doctors

"Okay Doc, if you say this will make me better, then I'll try it!" Then, the doctor, standing behind his counter with his fancy cash register, would say "What are you talking about?! Sir, you're gonna have to buy something or leave the store."

I really hate doctors.

Mike's Mind - Chicken or the Egg

When my nieces and nephews ask me, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" I always say, "Santa Claus isn't real!" They cry and cry, and I tell them, "Now don't ask Uncle Mike anymore stupid questions."

I'm going to be a great father.

Aliens

If aliens ever do come to Earth, I bet a good joke would be to have everyone on the planet pretend they are dead. The aliens would probably try and share their technology or show us the meaning of life or something, but we would all just lay on the ground, still pretending to be dead.

Eventually, the aliens would get bored and leave. Then we'd all get up and have a good laugh about it.

Mike's Mind - Coke Bottles

I found some old coke bottles in my father's garage, so I cut off the bottoms and made a pair of spectacles. Now, when people tell me my glasses look thicker than coke bottles, I reply "Same size, actually."

Dinosaurs

I'm sure a common joke back in the Jurassic era would be when one dinosaur would cover a tar pit with a bunch of leaves. Another dinosaur would probably try and walk right over it, but he would fall through the leaves and get trapped in the molten tar. They would both have a nice laugh about it, or at least until the dinosaur sank all the way into the tar. Then it would be just the one dinosaur laughing.

Catfish

If these so called "catfish" do exist, I bet they hate water.

Mike's Mind - Counterfeiting

Counterfeiting money is easy. I just rip off a small piece of paper from my notebook and write "Money" on it. Most places won't except my college-ruled currency, but it works every time on the "special" girl at McDonald's. I'm loving it.

-Mike Marquardt

Guns

People say guns are dangerous, but I think that's only true if you use a gun in a dangerous way. What if you used it as a paperweight or something? Then, one day you accidentally knocked it off your desk and the gun went off and shot someone.

Oh, I see. Still dangerous.

Little Jimmy

One day, little Jimmy came home all sad because he had to build a bridge out of toothpicks for his science project. I told him not to worry about it, and that I'd take care of it for him. The next day, I showed it to him and he said "That's not a bridge at all; you just glued some elbow macaroni to a pop can..." Then he cried and cried.

Kids can be so ungrateful.

Mike's Mind - April Showers

April showers bring may flowers. Mayflowers bring pilgrims. Pilgrims bring religious fanaticism, and prudish behavior to the culture of America.

Damn those April showers.

-Mike Marquardt

Old Man Johnson

There was something strange about old man Johnson, but no one could put their finger on it. Maybe it was the way he sat on his porch whistling. Or perhaps it was his tendency to wear blue overalls. Or maybe it was the way he used to hunt squirrels with a fork attached to a long string. There was something funny about the way swung that fork around... no technique at all.

Motivation...

Motivation is like a deer drinking from a lake. The deer drinks and drinks. And then it drinks some more, until finally, it isn't thirsty anymore. After that, some more stuff happens it's kind of like motivation.

Mike's Mind - "Transformers"

As a young boy, Transformers was one of my favorite TV shows. I wonder what happened to the series' spin-off, Transducers?

I guess the show was doomed from the opening theme: "Transducers --- devices, usually electrical, that convert one type of energy or physical attribute to
another for various purposes including measurement or information transfer. --- in disguise!"

-Mike Marquardt

Bedtime Stories

I bet a good bedtime story is one about two men who decide to sail around the world looking for gold. As soon as they set sail, they begin arguing about the amount of food they took with them. They eventually get mad and don't talk to each other for the rest of the trip. Also, they never found any gold.

Music...

If you think about it, music is simply an artistic form of auditory communication consisting of complex tones and pitches, held for various amounts of time.

Yeah, how does the music sound now?

Mike's Mind - "Security Envelopes"

My box of envelopes has "security envelopes" written on on it. I don't see what is so secure about them. Just because they're blue on the inside they are supposed to hide my personal information? It could be the darkest shade of night, but it's still just paper.

That's why I keep all my envelopes secure with powdered sugar. One look at that white stuff and no one is touching my envelopes. Private, yet tasty.

-Mike Marquardt

The Jokes on You

As a young child, one of my favorite practical jokes was to put thumbtacks in my friend's birthday cake batter. When he took that first bite, he would usually hold his throat and act like he was choking or something, but I knew he thought it was a pretty good joke.

If Life Was a Game

If life was one big game of chess, then I would probably pretend like I didn't know how the Horse piece moved.

Then, while you weren't paying attention, I would "suddenly realize" how the Horse moved and put you in CHECKMATE! HA!

Mike's Mind - "Penny For Your Thoughts"

I used to say "A penny for your thoughts." But with the rising price of gas, high interest rates and rising inflation, I think I might have to offer more of an incentive. Perhaps I could carry my acoustic bass on my back and say "A thought provoking song for your thoughts?"

It's a bit wordy and most people tell me I suck. But I don't really care for their thoughts.

-Mike Marquardt

Welcome Guest Author, Mike Marquardt!

Thanks for the great response everyone! I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome guest author, Mike Marquardt to the site. Mike was recently fired from an Indonesian sweat shop (replaced by a 3 year old - ouch,) so I will be temporarily feeding Mike in exchange for his wisdom.

So without further ado, let's give a Tender Thought's welcome to Mike!

Practical Jokes

Sometimes, people take jokes too far. For example, once, at a restaurant, my good friend Kevin thought it would be a funny prank to "loosen" the cap on the salt shaker. Well, you can imagine my surprise when I went to "lightly salt" my french fries. Come on Kevin, grow up. After that, I ran over his dog.

Peace on Earth

I wish we could find a way to end all of the suffering in the world. Wait, I have an idea! What if you cut a piece of paper into a square, then you fold the top half over to meet the bottom half. Next you take one corner and... wait, scratch that. I thought I had it, but that's just instructions for an Origami Swan.

True Love

If there's one thing that scares me, it's dying without finding true love.

If there's two things that scare me, it's huge squids that somehow learn to walk on land... and dying without finding true love.

The Olympics

I bet that every time there's a race in the Olympics, there is always one man who "lets the other guy win."

I really like that guy.

Puppets

A puppet is a dangerous thing. Especially when there is a knife under the puppet.

Also, the puppet is ugly.

Magic

I bet a good magic trick would be to put a woman in a box, close the box and light it on fire. Then, when the smoke clears, there's a tiger holding the woman. Wow, how'd he do that!?!?

Robots...

If robots do ultimately gain self-recognition and enslave the human race, I think it's safe to say that the economy would slide. Also, the robot market would rise.

Grandma

Grandma always made the best cookies. She only made the real little ones and they were always different colors. I don't know how she made them or how she got the little "m"s on every one. I thought the secret ingredient was love, but she just told me to shut up.

Apples

I bet the guy that invented the apple would be turning over in his grave if he knew how popular it is these days.

Yeehaw!

You know what would be really sweet? A cowboy riding on a horse. But instead of four legs, the horse had treads, like a tank.

Wow, what will they think of next.

Babies...

You know what I really hate? When a baby starts screaming and crying for no reason. And then I scream and cry back at it. And it just keeps on crying and screaming, and so do I. Finally, I have to just walk away.

You've won this round little baby.

Voice of God

I once heard the voice of God while I was sitting in my backyard one day. He said "Vrooooooom," "Vroooooooooom." Then my neighbor walked by with his lawnmower again. I tried to get him to shut it off, but when he did, it was too late... the voice was gone.

Mysterious Universe

I wonder if we'll ever fully understand the vast, mysterious void in space known as the "universe." If so, it would probably take a computer the size of a football field. Also, you could play blackjack on the computer.

Telephony

The phone can be a useful tool to 'link' two people together. I don't really know how, but I'm sure it involves some duct tape and string or something.

Little Timmy

Little Timmy always loved it when I would pretend the spoon is an airplane and fly it into his mouth. But if tears are any sign of happiness, I think he liked it more when I would crash the plane into the table and tell him that there was no way anyone could of survived that fiery inferno.